Genesis 29

“Not until all the shepherds get here. It takes all of us to roll the stone from the well. Not until then can we water the flocks.”

While Jacob was in conversation with them, Rachel came up with her father’s sheep. She was the shepherd. The moment Jacob spotted Rachel, daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, saw her arriving with his uncle Laban’s sheep, he went and single-handedly rolled the stone from the mouth of the well

Seriously? I understand that the sight of an attractive woman can motivate men to do some stupid things to prove they’re strong, but he just went all Hulk status. Was he that strong to begin with?

When Jacob had been with him for a month, Laban said, “Just because you’re my nephew, you shouldn’t work for me for nothing.”

Yeah, great, Laban, after a month of free labor. Then again, visits were a little longer in those times, and maybe Laban thought he’d be leaving after a bit.

Now Laban had two daughters; Leah was the older and Rachel the younger. Leah had nice eyes,

Eyes. Right.

Although I suppose in those days it could totally mean that she could see, since glasses weren’t really a thing. But probably not.

Morning came: There was Leah in the marriage bed!

First off, Jacob’s got to be damned drunk if he didn’t realize until the next morning who he was marrying. Like, during the wedding, sure, she could be all covered, but normally when you have sex with someone they’re rather unclothed. And if he was that trashed, he was probably being a superb annoyance, too.

But anyways, Laban’s such a dick. I mean,

“We don’t do it that way in our country,” said Laban. “We don’t marry off the younger daughter before the older.”

Right, and you couldn’t have mentioned that like, seven years ago?

Was he just trying to get more free labor out of Jacob (he was super-strong, remember)? Perhaps he really wanted his daughters married within the family?

When God realized that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb. But Rachel was barren.

Y’know, God, that’s kinda a dick move. It’s not like it was Rachel’s fault (or Jacob’s, for that matter). And it didn’t really seem to help Leah, considering that by her third son she was still going all

Now maybe my husband will connect with me — I’ve given him three sons!

Although, our record of the fourth (and last) is just “Now I’ll praise God”. Does that mean she finally realized her value in His eyes was more important than what her husband thought of her? Hard to say with an entire childbirth pared down to four words.